Why Communities Have a Stake in Raising Our Boys

For years, research and literature focused on the needs of girls: Are they getting shortchanged in schools? Do they have equal access to sports programs? Why are girls more likely to suffer from depression? Organizations like Girls, Inc. and the American Association of University Women brought the challenges of modern girlhood into the limelight.

But somewhere along the lines, did little girls become deified and little boys demonized? Have we failed to recognize or respond to boys' needs? Moreover, do we all have a stake in making sure that our society raises boys right?

Michael Gurian, Ph.D., family therapist and author of The Wonder of Boys (Penguin Putnam, 1996) and A Fine Young Man (Penguin Putnam, 1998), believes that boys may have gotten a bad rap during the past few decades. Modern myths portray boys as predators, Gurian says, commiting crimes, and "just wanting sex" from girls. Our society views boys as too competitive—they don't listen, and they don't have feelings. According to Gurian, this stems in part from our lack of understanding about male biology and behavior.

"In-depth research shows that girls and boys each have their own equally painful sufferings," Gurian says. His books present some surprising statistics: Adolescent boys are more likely than adolescent girls to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed or diagnosed with learning disabilities. They are also more likely to commit suicide or to become victims of violent crime. They are behind their female peers in reading and writing, and are more likely to drop out of school. In addition, studies show that boys' self-esteem drops as intensely in adolescence as girls' do, but that drop is less likely to be noticed at school and at home.

Boys aren't inherently flawed, Gurian claims, they're just misunderstood. Hormones—like testosterone—cause males to be more aggressive than females, less likely to express their feelings verbally, and more likely to try to "fix things," or solve problems quickly. When it comes to raising boys, says Gurian, "...our best choices in nurturing him revolve around knowing him and what he is, then channeling his energy in ways appropriate to him."

Why Do We All Have a Stake in Raising Boys?
Parents, seniors, educators, policymakers, community leaders, and single adults all have a stake in raising boys today. Says Gurian, "The nuclear family alone, in which dad, or mom and dad both work away from the children, cannot, in general, raise boys to fulfill the four basic goals of socially and personally responsible adult life." These goals are 1) contributing to society; 2) committing to mates; 3) taking responsibility for children; and 4) participating in ongoing spiritual growth. According to Gurian, we would all benefit by making sure boys reach these goals for at least three reasons:

1. For our safety.
Different body chemistries cause boys and girls to handle stress differently. Girls tend to take out frustration on themselves (eating disorders are an example of this); boys tend to turn their anger outward. Consequently, boys are more likely to express their frustration through violence and crime. By giving a boy an adequate outlet for his energy, Gurian says, we can help him become an asset-not a danger-to society.
2. For our girls.
Boys with misplaced aggression will carry it into their relationships with other people, including girls-throughout their lives. This is one reason why it so important to teach boys how to be sensitive to other people's needs. Although we have made great strides in giving girls better opportunities and understanding in the past years, Gurian says, "The most good we can do for our girls today is by helping our boys."
3. For our society.
Boys, like girls, at times struggle with misplaced aggression. When boys do not have proper outlets for their energy, their physiology causes them to destroy rather than to create. In general, troubled boys will turn away from service, honorable activity, and work to create problems rather than to solve them. If we abandon our boys, Gurian assures us, they will come to believe that they are worthless. They will not contribute to family or culture—and moreover, they will deprive themselves of the opportunity to contribute.

How We Can Raise Boys Well
Boys need a nuclear family that provides stability, love, and discipline. They need an extended family that also provides love, corroborates the discipline implemented by the first family, and provides new mentors (both blood-related and non blood-related). Finally, they need a tribal family that acknowledges a responsibility to raising boys. This third family includes the predominate institutions in a community such as the school, the church, the neighborhood, and—last but certainly not least—the media. "If we gave boys all these things," Gurian says, "we'd raise great men."

• In Our Schools.
Gurian believes that the issue of paramount importance for boys in schools is their academic performances. This is directly related to teachers' understanding of boys—the way they learn, behave, and develop.

"We have to convince our culture that schools are part of the family," Gurian says. Because many children today do not have a solid nuclear and extended family, educators have a responsibility to guiding children's moral and emotional development.

According to Gurian, we must also provide teachers with training in the biology of gender. It's not just the way boys and girls are socialized that makes them different; research shows that males and females learn and behave differently due to hormones and brain chemistry. Understanding these biological differences may be the key to educating both girls and boys.

• In Our Congregations.
"One of the most critical things we're not giving boys today is a spiritual education," Gurian says. A young man who is capable of having a "conversation with God"—whatever god it may be—is cultivating an inner life that promotes morality and self-direction. In addition, the after-school and weekend youth groups associated with faith-based organizations provide boys with another outlet for their energy and an extended community of caring adults.

"Boys on the average are at greater moral risk than girls," Gurian says. "Wherever we go in the world, we see more male violence than female violence," he reminds us, pointing to testosterone as a major factor. But hope is on the horizon: "We're seeing a revitalization of a spiritual tradition," he says. It helps children to become better people, opening up their hearts and minds.

• In The Media.
Media figures often teach boys to act in ways that run counter to the values we try to teach them. Gurian advises parents not to let boys unsupervised on the Internet until age 16. He also recommends restricting TV watching for boys before that age. In both cases, Gurian says, boys can experience a flood of stimulation, including violent and sexually explicit material, that they cannot process or interact with. Far from a holistic experience, Gurian calls this kind of stimulation "worthless to boys' development." They benefit more from supervised time with adults.

Although there is still much to learn about educating and raising boys, Gurian emphasizes that we need not do so in lieu of doing the best for our girls: "Knowledge of the evolution of brain differences teaches us that societies are capable of creating intimate and fruitful human relationships that nurture both the best of the female and best of male brains." Once we acknowledge that boys and girls are "wired" differently, that their biology and physiology does play a part in the outcome of their lives, we are one step closer to figuring out how to raise both girls and boys to become healthy, productive members of society.