Life as a Twenty-something

If you've recently graduated from college or will be graduating within the next few weeks, you may have had a surprisingly challenging time transitioning into the next phase of your life.

Have you asked yourself recently, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Is this what I really want in my life?" Or are you simply wondering what the next step is and unsure about why you may feel confused?

Abby Wilner and Catherine Stocker

From "Quarterlife Crisis"

On The Web
quarterlifecrisis.com

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Have questions about Live Online? Find answers in our new interactive FAQ.

If you've spent any time asking yourself or loved ones these questions, feel free to also pose these inquiries and reflections online. And if you've already figured out your path to success -- or steps along the way -- since graduating from college and would like to share, please do.

Abby Wilner and Catherine Stocker , coauthors of the upcoming book, "The Quarterlifer's Companion," were online Wednesday, May 18, at 1 p.m. ET to talk about living life in your twenties.

Wilner is coauthor of the New York Times Bestseller " Quartlife Crisis " that explores the definition of a quarterlife crisis, doubts, fears and general questions about being a twentysomething. The follow-up book, "The Quarterlifer's Companion: How to Get on the Right Career Path, Control Your Finances, and Find the Support Network You Need to Thrive," which has not yet become available in stores, is a more practical guide to navigating all the new responsibilities and decisions of adulthood.

The transcript follows.

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Abby Wilner: Thanks everyone for joining us and sending in all these great questions, we are going to try to get to as many as possible! If we don't get to yours, feel free to visit quarterlifecrisis.com, talk with other twentysomethings on the message boards or send us an email.

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Arlington, Va.: I'm 23, single, I have an okay job in an okay field, am paying off debt from college, living paycheck to paycheck in a nice enough apartment with a good roommate. The problem is that I feel like I have no end to work towards, no goal. My whole life until now has been focused on grades and getting to the next educational step ... which invariably came once a year! Now I have no set timeline, no standardized goal to work towards ... I feel kind of like I'm aimlessly drifting through life. I don't have the financial ability to go back to school right now, and even if I did, I have no idea what I would want to study. My life just seems to stretch in front of me like this 60 year plane of existence, with no landmarks or hills or milemarkers or anything! What's next? Where do I go from here? Help!

Catherine Stocker: Arlington, we hear so many twentysomethings express the same frustration that you are feeling. We have a section in the new book called "Show Me the Hoops and I'll Be Happy to Jump" because our our whole academic career has been about someone else defining the goals which we are supposed to achieve. And so it is so hard to set our own goals because we have not really had to do it before. Our piece of advice is to think in the shorter term. You do not have to figure out the next forty years of your life right now. Just think about the next three to five. Set some shorter-term goals and you won't feel so overwhelmed. Our next piece of advice is to think about this time as an opportunity to explore. It is OK if you don't know what you want to do and don't be afraid to let people know that. Use this time to ask people about their jobs. Do some reading. Learn about career fields that intrigue you. Let people know that you are searching--it is nothing to be ashamed of and you will find a lot of people willing to help you. Good luck!

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Arlington, Va.: Hello Ladies -- I am 25, single, living in an apartment, in a job I loathe, but, it's a paycheck. A lot of my friends are getting married, getting fantastic jobs, going on great vacations, buying houses etc. I feel like their lives are moving on to bigger and better things and I am still stuck here in entry-level land, wishing I could do all the things they do. I know I shouldn't be worried about the "competition" but I feel like I am losing some sort of race. I'm pretty content with myself, but, lately my days of "why is everyone else doing so much better" are gaining ground over the days of "hey, I'm fine." What do you suggest for dealing with this and realizing that, hey, everything will be fine?

Abby Wilner: 25 is the perfect age to explore what's out there in terms of career opportunities, and potential spouses or partners. Don't feel that you are falling behind - in fact, the average age to get married has risen to 27 for our generation, and is probably even later in the big cities. Sociologists have determined that we are officially become adults at a later age now too, up from 21 to 26 for our generation. Financial circumstances don't help, as a greater number of grads are in debt and living with their parents. So you're actually ahead of the game!

In fact, it is our hope that because this generation is taking so long to explore the various job options, relationships and living situations, that we won't need midlife crises to back track and second guess ourselves. Hopefully, all the trial and error in our twenties will relieve us some questioning and instability later on. So enjoy the ride, don't worry about job hopping, try a variety of field before you settle down, and same goes for relationships - better to be picky then regret your choice later on!

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SIlver Spring, Md.: Do people in their early twenties change jobs often? I graduated from college last May and I am now working at my second job. The funny thing is I'm starting to get restless and thinking of changing my job in about 12-18 months. Is this normal?

Abby Wilner: It is absolutely normal to job hop in your twenties or even beyond - this has become the norm. According to the department of Labor, the average adult goes through 8 jobs before the age of 32. Not only are we settling down at a later age then our parents, many of whom stayed at the same job for 40 years, but on top of that, the college curriculum has become less and less applicable to new job options such as those in technology - so it's almost impossible to know what you will enjoy doing in practice without trying it first. Lets face it, college courses are interesting in theory but hardly give you an idea of day to day office tasks and interactions!

Generally it's a good idea to be at a job for a year before leaving but if you're absolutely miserable than but your mental health first. Employers are completely understanding of job hopping these days. In fact, they may be worried if you've been at a job too long and haven't progressed!

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Boston, Mass.: I have a job lined up for after graduation that I'm pretty excited for, but it's not something I see myself doing forever. How long do people usually stay in their first jobs? Would it be unwise to plan on moving on after a year or so to do other things?

Catherine Stocker: Dear Boston,

Job hopping has become the norm and you will not be hurting yourself by moving on after a year or two. Make sure that you build and maintain good relationships at your first job and take your work seriously. Even if you know that you are not sticking around, you still want to invest in your job as if you were planning on sticking around. That way, you will learn a lot and be prepared for whatever that next job is.

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Chevy Chase, Md.: For those of us recent graduates who have moved beyond our college gates and into the affordable housing of mom and dad, I ask the following question: how do we survive? We've become accustomed to four years of "independent" living away from home and the oft all-night comradery of our college mates. Suddenly (or so it seems), we are thrown back to the adolescent relationship once shared with mom and dad under one roof in which we are questioned about our comings and goings, given last minute and sometimes outrageous chores (which we presume are desperate ploys to prevent us from reliving our college days with friends). Simply put, the culture differences which have emerged in a short span of time seem insurmountable. How, I ask, can they be minimized so that we financially challenged entry-level workers can gaze hopefully into our future whilst maintaining sanity in the present?

Catherine Stocker: Dear Chevy Chase,

With the combination of outrageous rents and growing student loan burdens, more and more recent grads are moving back home. We think that this is an extremely pragmatic step in maintaining your financial help. Of course, it may be a bit taxing on your mental health! We actually have a big section on this very topic in our upcoming book Quarterlifer's Companion, due out July 15th. Some advice we offer includes drafting up a contract between you and your parents. This contract provides an opportunity for you to discuss your mutual expectations and talk through chores, money and visitor issues. Also, keep in mind that this is a huge transition for your parents as well. And just to reassure you, in a survey that we conducted on quarterlifecrisis.com, a majority of recent grads who had lived at home reflected that it had been a good experience.

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White Oak, Md.: Association in the workplace for me has been difficult. I'm always the 20-something in the office full of 40-somethings. They all have homes, kids, mortgage, etc. - and sometimes, I just can't relate to the conversation -- nor can they relate to what I'm going through. I constantly get those comments, "You're to young to know about this, but ...". What can I do to bridge the age gap??

Abby Wilner: We often hear that recent grads find the art of office communication particularly mystifying - more so than the work itself. In fact, according to the National Association of Colleges and Employers, communication is the most in-demand skill, while GPA is at the bottom of the list. It may be that you simply have to look outside the office for friends to hang out with after-hours, whether your co-workers are close in age or not. We encourage twentysomethings to get involved with the community through common interest activities and volunteering as a great way to meet like-minded people. Generally the activities that interest you will interest people similar to you. (As a side note, I met my husband by volunteering and also learned how to paint that way!) So the best you can do is to remain civil enough at work to get along with and complete assignments with your co-workers, but don't necessarily expect to hit it off and hit the bars together!

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Fairfax, Va.: I graduated with a lot of arcane knowledge related to my studies but without the slightest idea what a 401(k) plan was. Are colleges doing more these days to prepare their undergrads for the real world?

Abby Wilner: Traditional liberal arts institutions in particular have been highly resistant to provide their students with any practical career preparation or "life-skills" in the curriculum. A few here and there are beginning to offer Senior Year Experience seminars, which provide students with skills in areas such as personal finance, career development and even relationships. The intention of our workbook and seminars is to provide soon-to-be-grads with exactly those skill sets they always tell us they wish they had gained in college.

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Dupont, Washington, D.C.: Hi, I read the book "Quarterlife Crisis" a few years ago. The book was good but emphasized that recent grads want too much, too soon. For a very-driven person like me that was a put-off and provided no insight/solution, how will your book differ?

I'm struggling with the concept of going to grad school later because I don't want to leave my full-time job now (I'm 24), although I want my grad degree now, and seeing all my friends obtain them is a cause of unwanted jealousy on my part.

I am looking forward to your book.

Catherine Stocker: Dear Dupont,

I can really relate to how you feel. If you think about it, in school, we just had a few parameters against which to compare ourselves. We assessed out performance and progress (primarily) on what our GPA was versus everyone else's GPA. After school, there is a universe of accomplishments against which we benchmark ourselves. You start comparing yourself to your friends who are working, your friends who are going to school, your friends who are touring with their band, your friends who joined the Peace Corps, and on and on. Every way you turn, you can be reminded of what you are NOT accomplishing. Just remember to focus on your path, and your accomplishments. To be honest, it is harder to discover your own set of goals than to copy someone else's but you will be more content on your own path.

To answer the first part of your question, Quarterlifer's Companion offers pragmatic advice about common issues and questions that recent grads have about careers, finances and building a social life. There are even exercises that you can do on your own or with friends.

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Burke, Va.: Could someone other than a 20-something benefit from your book/advice?

Catherine Stocker: Yes, definitely!

While we wrote the book for recent grads, we offer a lot of advice that would be useful to anyone grappling with career and finance issues or for anyone dissatisfied with their social lives. We think that Quarterlifer's Companion is also really useful for parents or family members of a recent grad.

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Washington, D.C.: Is it wrong to go to a graduate program/law school as a way of providing a professional safety net for your future?

Abby Wilner: We generally advise against grad school as a means of postponing or avoiding the "real world" unless you have already tried that specific field, know you enjoy it and want to progress. If, for example, you enjoy your current consulting gig but need an MBA to reach the next level then grad school is probably a wise investment. But if you are simply stuck in a job you hate, can't think of something you'd enjoy more but think law school would lead to better opportunities, then carefully consider the commitment that grad school entails, both in terms of time and expense. Ending up at another job you hate three years later, with an extra $100k of debt, would not be any better than your current position, and meanwhile you could have been paid to sample 2 entirely new job fields by job-hopping, which as we mentioned, is perfectly acceptable.

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Washington, D.C.: As someone who is a twenty-something for the next six days, I wanted to get your opinion on meeting new people. The further away I get from the college life, and into the "real world", the more difficulty I have to find other single people. I am not into the Bar scene. I don't like the idea of dating people I work with.

I am very satisfied with the rest of my life. I have a job that is "good enough", I have my own house and am financially stable. I have friends I can rely on. It seems the only thing I am missing is a more intimate companion. I just never seem to meet new people.

Catherine Stocker: Dear DC, I am so glad that you asked this question because I think that people focus so much on what they should be doing professionally and forget that they need to have social lives. Some advice we offer in the book includes getting involved in activities that interest you. A lot of people are really active in extracurricular activities in college and don't stay involved when they graduate. It may be hard at first, but join a club, volunteer activity,a local campaign, a running group--whatever interests you. Also, and this may sound a bit strange, but let people know you are looking. Just the same way your would if you were looking for a job, you have to network. You have to let people know that you are trying to meet someone. And then be open to being introduced and meeting new people. Good luck!

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Detroit, Mich.: I'm going to be well over $100,000 in debt from only student loans (no credit card debt for me) once i graduate from my higher institution. How does one manage that? I'm paying for college on my own, don't qualify for any scholarships because i'm not a minority, my family isn't poor or anything like that. How does the 'average' person who is funding their own education pay back their student loans? Sorry, but paying more than what I pay in rent a month just isn't possible.

Abby Wilner: We feel your pain! Debt has become a huge problem among recent college grads, that's why so many are moving back in with mom and dad following graduation. If you have over $10,000 in debt, which many twentysomethings do, it is advisable to seek the help of a debt counselor and consolidate.

Catherine Stocker: Also, since it sounds as if you are currently in school, make sure that you take advantage of the resources available to you at your school. Talk to the financial aid officers at your school. They will be able to tell you what your monthly payments will be and what kind of budget you will be on. This may impact what kind of job you will look for so it is good that you are thinking about it now.

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London, UK: Everyone warns you about puberty, how come nobody warns you about being a recent graduate/but not in postgraduate program life?

Abby Wilner: Good question! Well part of the reason that no one used to discuss this significant (and often turbulent) transition to adulthood is that we experience it much differently than our parents did. Our parents typically climbed the corporate ladder at the same job for 40 years and got married right out of college. We face more ambiguous, circuitous career and family paths, we have many more options to choose from and it's generally a more unstable time. It might be easy for our parents to say - "what are you complaining about, you should be happy you have so many options." But the problem is that we're not prepared to face all these decisions and responsibilities.

In addition, there has always been a stigma associated with depression and anxiety, particularly in your twenties, which are supposed to be a time of freedom and exploration, right? And they are that too - it can be a fun time, but it can also be a time of confusion and loneliness, and it's important know that that's ok, even normal. It's important to learn now rather than later to embrace instability and accept uncertainty. We're not saying life will ever be easy but hopefully by doing a lot of exploration during our twenties and taking our time to settle down we will avoid the divorce rate and midlife crises of our parents generation!

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Fairfax, Va.: I recently finished college in a rather career specific program (chemistry). I don't know whether or not I even want to do this sort of work the rest of my life, but I have no experience in anything else. How do I do go about a career switch?

Grad school most certainly is an option, but how do I go to about explaining to people that you want to do something else even though my resume is filled with science and science related experience?

Abby Wilner: We are finding more and more that your college major does not, nor should it have to, relate to your chosen career field. However, rather than use grad school as a means to switch fields, we would suggest first to try out a new field by finding an entry-level job or internship, or even temping. Then once you've tried it, and know you enjoy it, it may be a good idea to use grad school as a promotional tool. In addition, don't forget to draw from experiences outside the classroom to qualify for the prospective job and list those "action verbs" we know recruiters love. Look at campus and community activities, particularly any leadership positions, to make you a desirable candidate. And keep in mind that recruiters are used to job-hoppers switching fields these days. Networking and making contacts as a way to break into a field is also really helpful. There are often "hidden" job listings unavailable to the public, or they can even create a position for you, if you know the right person. You never know who someone else may know, so keep an open mind when you're out meeting new people.

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McLean, Va.: Should a twentysomething be concerned about dating someone seriously, contemplating marriage to someone that has a significant amount of debt?

Catherine Stocker: Dear McLean,

I would not dump the person of your dreams because of debt--especially if that debt is school loans--but do discuss it. First, is the debt due to any kind of unhealthy or careless behavior that would provide some insight into what kind of person you would be marrying? Assuming though, that this debt is due to school loans, discuss what the payback plan would be and what your budget would have to look like to pay off these loans. And think carefully about how you would feel--are you going to be resentful? How much of an issue will the loans be for you?

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Bethesda, Md.: When will your book be available in bookstores?

Catherine Stocker: Quarterlifer's Companion is due out from McGraw-Hill on July 15th.

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Arlington, Va.: I hope you don't mind my poking in here, but as a former "twentysomething" and current "almost-40-er" I see many things I experienced in the postings. First, I wish someone had told me in my 20s that it's okay to end up pursuing something that you didn't study in school. Sometimes interests change ... it's not the crisis that you think it is. I went from PR to radio to law and am now back in communications, but I worked in communications law because of my background. And if you think that everybody else is "moving on, moving ahead" and you feel lost, there are many of us around my age who sometimes feel the same way. We wonder what might've been if we had studied something else, or moved to another place, because even at this age, people are still making changes in their lives. When I was first starting out, nobody told me "it's the journey, not the destination," and so I'm telling it to you now. And I've gotta tell ya, the closer you get to 40, you'll find out just how young it really is! Good luck to all the new graduates on their new beginnings!

Abby Wilner: Thanks for the sage advice! I agree with you on all counts. It's good to get your frustrations and anxieties out in the open and realize, it's impossible that you are falling behind if everyone else feels exactly the same way! The problem is that no one has warned you of what to expect in the "real world" - at college graduation they always tell you the world is your oyster, and that you can do anything you set your mind to. What they should tell us is that life is tough, no one will care where you went to school - they'll only care about your experience, or lack thereof, it will take years of paying your dues before gaining any recognition, and maybe even some time on mom and dad's couch before gaining financial independence! Sure it's not as uplifting of a commencement address, but more realistic. It's just important to know what life is really like in your twenties, and that you're not alone in experiencing any challenges.

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Washington, D.C.: Can't wait for the book!; Quick question for you all.. my mother recently told me that one should have the equivalent of something like 25% of your annual salary set aside and available for "emergencies". How is this possible, with rent, money going to 401Ks, etc?!;

Abby Wilner: 401k funds, while important to have for the future, cannot be used for emergencies. In fact they cannot be used before retirement without penalty, with the exception of a few special circumstances. You should be setting aside as much as possible in your 401k, however, because that money is taken out of your paycheck pre-tax. We generally suggest putting 1/2 of your monthly income into rent, depending on the housing costs where you live. You will probably need at least 1/2 of the remaining income for food, transportation and entertainment expenses so if you have 1/4 of your income left over to invest, that's great. But that also depends on the individual lifestyle.

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Arlington, Va.: What advice do you have for recent grads that have a good job and want to buy a house. The housing market in D.C. is basically unaffordable and I feel like I am throwing money away paying upwards of $700 in rent each month. I love this city but housing prices tempt me to move elsewhere.

Abby Wilner: Move to Iowa! Just kidding, but there is a price to pay for being in such a vibrant, cosmopolitan city filled with social and professional opportunities. First of all, you should know that you will stay in an area for 3 years or longer to justify all the transactional costs associated with buying a home. Second, renting is not throwing money away (and $700 ain't so bad). Although renting is not an investment, it also does not have condo fees or property tax, and if something stops working you simply call the landlord to fix it, unlike a home, which you are constantly paying to maintain. Thirdly, we're at the peak of a seller's market right now so it may just be that it's not the right time to buy. Who knows, maybe it's a bubble! (Although that's a subject of great debate, for another discussion...)

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Falls Church, Va.: I'm looking to move out of my parents house and a friend of mine informed me that the general "rule of thumb" is that rent and other important expenses (i.e. utilities, food) shouldn't be more than 1/3 of your paycheck. Is this true? And, if it is true, how can fresh from college grads/entry-level 20-somethings survive in a metropolitan city when the average rent for a one bedroom is $1000?

Abby Wilner: This depends on where you live, and in an area like DC where housing costs are high, we'd say it's more like 1/2.

We would suggest taking advantage of group housing in the city. Group houses are a great way to save money by sharing space, and also meet new people and have an active social life. There are other ways you can save money, like preparing your lunch ahead of time, avoiding late fees, not having a landline since we're all using cells anyway, skipping Starbucks, and public transportation. We've got lots of great budgeting exercises in our workbook, just fyi :)

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Washington, D.C.: As someone three years out of college, I think I qualify for this discussion. I have some words of wisdom (as far as a 25 year old can be wise). In terms of advice, I spent the first 2.5 years after college not really focusing on my career and life goals. I was smacked in the face by how hard post-college life was, and how unclear and complicated my life's path had suddenly become. I finally landed a very good job last year that I like, but it is making me realize that I want to go back to school. So, my advice is this: if you've got the means/desire to travel the world and bum around for a while, by all means, do so, but otherwise, get a job so you have a jumping-off point for moving into the next phase of your career and life. I thought post-college life would just 'work-out,' but it really didn't until I made a conscious choice to make it work out!

Thanks for this discussion, I think it's really important because the 20s are not exactly the land of milk and honey, as far as I can tell!

Abby Wilner: Thanks for your contribution!

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Abby Wilner: Wow, I am so overwhelmed by all your questions, I wish we had more time to answer them! I hope our chat today has been helpful to all you quarterlifers, and others...if we did not get to your question, I apologize, just feel free to stop by quarterlifecrisis.com and say hello!

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Richmond, Va.: Is it okay to feel like this in your early thirties?

Catherine Stocker: Dear Richmond,

Even though we speak of quarterlifers as in their "twenties," we talk to plenty of people in their thirties who feel this way. In general, people experience these feelings until they feel settled in a career or personal path.

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Chevy Chase, Md.: I'm 27 and have held two jobs in completely different industries for two years each since I graduated from college. Neither have been my "calling." Right now I am in the middle of the interview process for a job in another, completely different, industry. Although I have some experience and interest in the field, how do I justify and explain my grossly unclear moves into different fields to potential employers?

Catherine Stocker: Chevy Chase: If you have had a number of jobs that seem to have nothing to do with each other, focus on how you have developed and mastered a certain number of skills. What kind of common skills did you use in each of those jobs and how did you develop and master those skills? Stress the people skills you may have developed: leading, being a good team player, being a communicator. The important thing to remember is that you have to "connect the dots" for your interviewer. Don't assume that he or she will figure it out. And finally, don't worry that you have had a number of jobs, just have a clear logical story that explains your career path. We offer a lot more advice in the book for job hunters. Good luck!

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Fairfax, Va.: My younger sister is 25 and just coming into her own, good job paying down debt, being responsible. How can I help her without making her feel smothered?

Catherine Stocker: Dear Fairfax,

We hear from a lot of folks who want to help friends or siblings through their twenties. Be willing to listen and try not to offer too much advice (try to wait until you are asked). Be sensitive to any signs of anxiety or depression your sister may exhibit but most importantly, remind your sister to have fun and encourage her to not be too hard on herself.

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Washington, D.C.: I am 24 yrs. old and working my second human resources job since graduating college in 2002. My problem is I can't stand HR! I hate this field and don't want to be in it, although at this point I'm being groomed for a big promotion. I want to quit at the end of the summer and get into international relations (not sure how I'll do that). Can you tell me I'm not crazy? Can you tell me that other people my age do this and I'm better off leaving now than in 1,5 or 10 years? Also, to new grads: try different jobs, but don't be sucked into a field/career you don't love just because of the money or because there seems to be nothing else out there.

Catherine Stocker: You are definitely not crazy. And don't stay in a field that you hate. It sounds as if you have worked hard, done well and will leave with a good recommendation. It is just as important to find out what you don't like as it is to find out what you do like. When you do leave, make sure that you keep those relationships going. Who knows? your boss might have some ideas for you. Good luck!

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Catherine Stocker: It is time to wrap up the online chat and I want to thank everyone who participated. Also, thank you to the Washington Post for organizing this discussion. I wish that we could have answered all of the great questions that you all submitted. Please feel free to email us at abby@quarterlifecrisis.com or cathy@quarterlifecrisis.com and we will be happy to respond to you individually. Also we encourage you to visit the Web site at www.quarterlifecrisis.com. For more answers to your questions, look for our book, Quarterlifer's Companion, due out from McGraw-Hill on July 15th. It will be available in all bookstores, and of course, online. Good luck!