Kid's Quill: Advice I Would Have Given Myself

These essays were written by teens in foster care for a scholarship contest that asked them to describe the advice they would have given to the person they were in the past. The contest is sponsored by the Child Welfare Fund in New York City. (A book containing 100 winning essays from the first three years of the contest is available at youthcomm.org.)

I’d Open Up About My Feelings

By Jonathan Smith, 15

After my brother and I were placed in foster care, we began to have visits with our mother. They were very happy visits at first. My mom kept telling my brother and me that we would be going home soon and that she loved us very much. I believed her and kept believing her.

As time went by, my mom started to tell my brother and me that the foster care system was trying to keep us in it forever. She told us that we were never coming back home. I did not understand that she was trying to explain to us that she was unable to care for us like a normal parent. All I heard then was that I was not going home.

My behavior began to change for the worse. I started running away from my foster homes because I was angry. This made people who were concerned about me upset, so it made me feel I was in control. I disrespected my teachers and cut classes. What I really needed was to talk to someone about what I was feeling, but I would not do that then.

If I had understood things better, I would have given myself this advice:

• I would have spoken to someone about my feelings. Maybe to foster parents, case workers, or therapists.
• I would have explained to my mother what I was feeling and how things were affecting me.
• Think more about the consequences of the things I said and did, before I said and did them.

A New Rayshawn

By Rayshawn Thompson, 16

A multitude of emotions overcame me when I entered foster care, emotions I never imagined that I could feel. The feeling of being lost, with no direction, came first. My family – the adults I trusted to keep me safe – had allowed me to be removed from my haven. What happened to those entrusted to give me direction?

When you feel alone, you tend to do things just to fit in. My survival depended upon getting involved in a gang. Being with these individuals gave me a false sense of safety. Being “gang-related” meant being tough and stupid, so no one would bother me. Drugs were my way of escaping my pain, the feeling of being lost and confused. My bong’s name was Ray; Ray took me to all levels of escape. While I was using Ray, I didn’t have to deal with anything that hurt me.

One day I woke up and realized that Ray was not my friend. Ray was destroying me, controlling me. I came to realize that only I should have control of my life, not gangs and not weed – just me.

The day I stopped smoking weed was August 13, 2000, and doing good became my new high. With my new focus came better grades and finally I arrived on the Honor Roll. Me? Honor Roll? I could hardly believe it. I was no longer just plain Rayshawn; I was quickly becoming the Rayshawn that adults trusted.

Tell Them You Love Them

By Loletia Medina, 18

I was always jealous of my brother. I used to fight him over little things and I’d say that I hated him and wished he would fall off the face of the earth. I prayed many nights that my wishes would come true.

One night on my way back to my group home, I said goodbye to him as he locked the door behind me. The next day was a good day, sunny and bright. Well, little did I know that the night before my brother was murdered. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I almost died when I found out. I cried many nights and asked God why He allowed this to happen. Then I remembered all the times I used to fight with him and call him names. I felt like it was my fault, like I had wished his death out of anger.

I wish I could have changed the things I said and did to him. I would have talked out our differences instead of fighting. I would have talked to him more about his interests and hobbies. I found a letter he wrote with three wishes on it: to complete high school, make my mother happy, and complete some time in the service.

There is nothing I can do to change the way I treated him. What I would like to do is to complete my brother’s journey by having a positive and loving life. I never told my brother that I loved him until he was in his casket, and I regret not telling him while I had so many chances. Now I tell my loved ones that I love them before it is too late.

What’s Right Is Not Always Popular

By Chnita Campbell, 17

The first and most important piece of advice, which I still live by today, is: What’s popular is not always right, and what’s right is not always popular. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. I have been in situations where I had to be the geek or party pooper for my own good. I don’t mind people calling me a “white girl” or “goody goody,” because when success comes I’m the person it’s going to hit. Most people wear what’s popular and have no money for important things like books. If they brought regular clothes, their minds would look good. Sure, I wear name brands, but I don’t go for $200 sneakers and so forth. These are the steps I need to take, and although it looks like a long road, the treasure I’ll find when I’m done will be immeasurable.

The Person You Are Inside

By Qwonjit Nelson, 20

I sat down with my former self and talked with her over a cup of coffee at the local Starbucks while waiting for my bus. Looking in her brown eyes, she began to tell me how she can’t stand school, and how people make fun of her and call her names because of her shabby appearance. I saw that she had a lot of issues.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, as I brought the mug to my lips.

“Well, everything” she said. “My mother doesn’t love me and my boyfriend is cheating on me and I’m just a wreck and …” Then she paused.
A tear fell from her face to the floor.
“What?” I asked her.
“Well,” she said, “I don’t even know if I want to live. Things are so f-ckin’ overwhelming, you know? What would you know? You’re in college and you’re in a good position.”

“Well, look Qwonjit, you can’t let life get to you. If you let people see the buttons that tick you off, and the ones that get you aggravated, they’ll only push them even more. You have to look deep within yourself and try to do the best that you can for yourself. You can’t put all of the world’s problems on your shoulders. Being a teen is hard enough. Why add more pressure to it?”

She then wiped her eyes. And as she did, I could see the failed suicide attempts on her wrists.

“What’s this?” I asked as I pointed them out.
“Nothin’,” she said. Her eyes were deeper than any set of eyes I ever saw. She definitely had a lot of issues. “Look, I don’t want to talk, okay?” she said.

“Sure, whatever. Go ahead, hide your feelings, you’re only eating yourself up,” I told her. “Look, being in foster care isn’t the end of the world, you know. Just think of it as a temporary blemish. It’ll go away some day. But, for now, you have to live with it and make the most of yourself. You can’t let words get to you. And besides, who’s going to look after your sisters if you succeed in your attempts?”
“Well, you have a point there,” she admitted.

I smiled. “Yes, and besides, the world would miss a terrific writer.”
She laughed and took a sip of her coffee.
“Now, Qwonjit, what you have to do now is use the foster care system to your advantage. They have many programs available for you, and a lot of people who are willing to listen. That’s only if you talk and express yourself. And look…”
“Yes?”
“Smile!”

I saw my bus approaching and I walked toward the door. I handed her a card.
“Keep in touch,” I said.
“Okay, thanks,” she said, as she looked down at the card.
It read: “Ms. Qwonjit Nelson, the person you are inside.”

• Smith, Jonathan. "I’d Open Up About My Feelings." Kid’s Quill. Youth Today, September 2001, p. 30.
   
• Thompson, Rayshawn. "A New Rayshawn." Kid’s Quill. Youth Today, September 2001, p. 30.
   
• Medina, Loletia. "Tell Them You Love Them." Kid’s Quill. Youth Today, September 2001, p. 30.
   
• Campbell, Chnita. "What’s Right Is Not Always Popular." Kid’s Quill. Youth Today, September 2001, p. 31.
   
• Nelson, Qwonjit. "The Person You Are Inside." Kid’s Quill. Youth Today, September 2001, p. 31.